Communication Congruence and Building Trust

Weekly Presence Prompt

Peter Brook’s 1970 production of Midsummer Night’s Dream at the Royal Shakespeare Company

As leaders we must instill trust in those we hope to lead. In order to create a sense of trust, perhaps the most important skill for us to practice is communicating with congruence. If we do not, we give a mixed message and distrust foments.

We’ve all experienced the odd sensation when someone says one thing while their countenance communicates something completely different; we hear one thing and see another. It’s confusing and sometimes, disturbing. It’s an emotional oxymoron.

Think of an anxious smile. Or a tense embrace. A tight frown while saying, “So glad to be here.” A big smile and the words, “I hate birthdays!”

I remember the first time I understood Shakespeare. My father took me to see a production of Midsummer Night’s Dream directed by Peter Brook, widely considered the greatest stage director of recent history.

Shakespeare’s language came alive as the actors embodied so completely the story. There was no misunderstanding Hermia when she tells her love, Lysander to STAY with her. She jumps on his back! And when her rival, Helena, demands that he turn his gaze towards her instead, she pulls him into her embrace. Even if the actors were speaking in a foreign language, I would have followed the story.

In public speaking, we do not need to be this broad, but we do have to be congruent so that our audience is clear about our message.

This is the problem with sarcasm. We are saying one thing and meaning its opposite. As relationship expert, John Gottman, reminds us, sarcasm codes as contempt, which is one of his four most toxic behaviors for couples.

Incongruence in communication is not only bad for relationships. It’s a double-bind in our own bodies. We feel the disconnect, the internal conflict, and this can even erode trust in ourselves, in our intuitions, in our desires.

As communicators, we do not want to send mixed messages. We want, more than anything, to be clear so that those with whom we speak, know our intention, know our meaning. Only then, can we build trust.

This week, notice when we feel misaligned—when our words behaviors, intentions, and actions are telling different stories. It’s a great practice and an invitation to self-inquiry. It’s relief to say what we mean and mean what we say. And those around us can let go of the anxiety that comes with trying to figure out what we mean. As our own physiology aligns with our words and meaning, those we lead, those we work with, all of our relationships, will strengthen. Trust blooms and with trust comes forward movement, action, change. As leaders, this is vital.

#leadership #trust #communication #shakespeare #peterbrook #congruence #intention