Sarcasm Never Works

Weekly Presence Prompt

Sarcasm never works. Not in relationships, not at work, not on stage, not in movies, not in presentations, not in TED Talks.

According to John Gottman, sarcasm is coded as contempt, which is the most toxic of his Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for relationships. Contempt is meant to dehumanize.

Now, I grew up with a lot of sarcastic banter with my brothers and I LOVE IT! I really do! It connects us with humor. But then, I spoke with Dr. Jim Coan, who worked with Gottman in developing the SPAFF Code. Jim told me that when they realized how sarcasm coded as contempt, he stopped using sarcasm in his life.

With this new clarity, my own discomfort with sarcasm grew and I started being more direct and less sarcastic. It felt more true, less twisted.

Amazingly, when I stopped using sarcasm, I also stopped recognizing it in others. When I asked my brother how his mountain hike was, he answered, “Wonderful!” I took him at face-value until he said, “Katie, it was sleet and snow and we had to climb down on ur butts in the mud!” He was being sarcastic and I didn’t see it.

When using sarcasm, it’s important to think about the context. I would say that in a cultural setting, like a family, where sarcasm is seen as loving, go for it. A teenager rolling their eyes (yes, this is coded as sarcasm and contempt!), may be par for the course. With my family, I feel truly loved in our sarcastic banter.

But many of us use sarcasm as a way to disguise contempt as humor.

The best way to know if sarcasm is toxic vs connecting is to honestly check our intention as we often use sarcasm as a way to dismiss, minimize, and undermine others.

Aside from the potential for misunderstanding and perhaps even adding a toxic spice to our relationships, sarcasm doesn’t work in the workplace and in any public speaking. It comes off as snarky. It is not funny. And it leaves a bitter aftertaste. It’s a “no, but,” rather than a “yes, and...”; one invites connection, the other blocks it.

This week, we begin to notice when we ourselves are being sarcastic. We notice sarcasm in others. Just notice what happens. Are we more or less connected? Are we more or less trusting? Are we more or less interesting? Are we more or less vulnerable? Are we more or less productive as a team? Are we more or less committed to each other? Are we more or less clear and understood?

After we notice, we can play with deciding not to use sarcasm. What changes in ourselves, in our bodies, in our emotions, in our relationships when we specifically choose not to use sarcasm?

I still have a great time joking and bantering with my brothers and my own sarcasm-blindness just adds to the teasing. It’s all good!

PS If you’d like an illustration of sarcasm, check out the character of Kristin Simms in The Brokenwood Mysteries. I blame the directors for never giving the actress Fern Sutherland feedback about her choice to say every line, even the simplest and truest of statements, with a sarcastic sneer. A line like, “There’s the body,” takes on the meaning, “There’s the body, idiot.” And a line like, “Can you tell me where you were last night between 10 and midnight?” becomes, “Can you even remember where you were last night, you drunken sod.” Trust me, it does not work.

#sarcasm #johngottman #drjimcoan #contempt #fourhorsemenoftheapocalypse #connection #communication