Writing Our Own Stories

Weekly Presence Prompt

Photo by Bruce Jackson

“What’s your story? It’s all in the telling. Stories are compasses and architecture; we navigate by them, we build our sanctuaries and our prisons out of them, and to be without a story is to be lost in the vastness of a world that spreads in all directions like arctic tundra or sea ice.”

— Rebecca Solnit, The Faraway Near By

“The Story of Your Life is not your Life. It’s your story.”

— John Barth

When the kids were little, they loved hearing stories about when I humiliated myself. These stories made them absolutely giddy. “More!” “Another one!” I knew it must have been reassuring that a person who could drive and read whole thick books, had also dropped trays full of sizzling fajitas, shown her underpants on stage as Lamb #2, and stood pathetically in the home of the guy she had a crush on, unable to say one single word.

What was my intention in telling these stories? To entertain, surely. But mostly, to reassure them that they will survive the daily humiliations school kids endure, from mispronouncing letters to falling off of monkey bars. And that these events that make them want to disappear with shame, are going to be hilarious stories one day.

We have stories we tell ourselves and the stories we share. Stories shape our histories and our sense of ourselves, who we are. Some stories may shift or change over time, as memory fades and fools us.

It’s important in telling our stories, that we are clear-eyed about our intention and who the audience is. Why are we telling this story now? Is it to build trust? To show off? To include? To illustrate point? To manipulate? To entertain? To receive praise? These are our intentions, the verbs that animate our words. So it is vital, in telling our stories, that we know, consciously, why we are telling them. What is our intention?

Remember, intentions are:

• A verb, an action

• For the other, the audience

• Framed in the positive

• Consciously chosen

I’ve spoken about high and low intentions: high intentions are for others, low intentions are for us, they boomerang our attention back onto ourselves. Intentions like, “to impress,” “to get the job/make the sale/get the donation,” are low intentions. They are about us, the speaker. Our attention is on ourselves. High intentions are for the other: “to find out how I can help,” “to make the best match between donor and cause,” “to share an experience.”

We also ask ourselves, “does this story have the potential to hurt someone else?” If so, maybe we do not tell it. Or we change enough to protect the other.

This week, as we regale others with our stories, ask ourselves, what is my intention? Why this story for this audience right now? Is it a gift or an ask? Is it for me or for them? Is it going to hurt someone else? If our intentions are good, then, tell it with gusto.